Five Books to Avoid this September

These are the five books that I've made the mistake of reading this past summer. These books, though somewhat cleverly written, were each lacking in something that made me... well... write this I guess.



#5 Bongwater, by Michael Hornburg. Published in 1995 by Pubwest Group. Initially I bought this book at Half Price Books in Redmond, Washington, because the day was awesome, the sun was mammoth, and I wanted to do some biking. Normally I hit the trails, head up to Woodinville, sit at the park there, and do some reading. This book I picked up because it featured Portland, Oregon. I lived in Portland Oregon for a spell so I figured, hey man, cool. Why not read a bit o' fiction regarding me old stomping grounds, eh? Sho nuff!



No.



The book goes nowhere. It's about a guy that sells pot (I don't have a problem with that) but he doesn't really do anything. He bitches and whines and mopes. The book is divided into two parts, one from his first person perspective, and the other part of the book (interchanging chapters) deals with a girl, the one the main character is chasing after kind of. I don't really know for sure.



The girl (can't remember her name and I tossed the book out) is living in New York escaping whatever weird and surley demons she's got. The guy is living in Portland, moping her. His place burns down. He goes to the coast with this... fuck this, I'm wasting too much time on this anyway. Don't read it. Some good passages in there, but basically... no. Hell no.



#4. Number four on the list is Snuff By Chuck Palahniuk
Published by Random House, 2008

This book is just the author trying to do something he once did a while ago, which is write something shocking, hip, funny, and cool. Nope. Weighing in at around 208 pages, this book is just 208 pages overweight. Cook it, fry it, put it in your father's slyhole, or whatever, just don't read it unless you have free time in your life to waste. And when I say that you have free time in your life to waste, think of it as... do you have an extra thousand dollars in your bank account to waste? Say, toss that grand in the toilet and never get it back? Do you have that kind of money to waste? Think of two or three hours of your LIFE like that. Can you waste two or three hours on a book like this? Jesus!



#3. Number three is 31 songs by Nick Hornby. Published by Viking, 2003.

I like Nick Hornby. Don't get me wrong. His book A Long Way Down was awesome. So why is this book on the list of Don't Reads for the Fall? Well... you can read it if you want. Honestly, it's not a terrible book. I just wish I hadn't have read it. I don't really like a lot of the songs he writes about. Some of the stories he wrote, the anecdotes, were nice, others... lacking a bit. I don't know. It just kind of didn't set well with me. You like McDonald's right? Well this is like going to McDonald's and trying something new off their menu. Like the fish burger, and realizing, yes, it still tastes like delicious McDonald's crap, but it doesn't taste as crapalicious. It's lacking the greasy glistening something that, say, the good old Big Mac has. Get it? Hell, you might like the fish burger (is it fish, really) so dine in if you want.



#2. Cell by Stephen King. Once, in my youth, I was at this summer camp. Camp Dudley, brought to you by the YMCA. And it was a cool camp. Me and my bud, Chris Jundt, used to just be so awesome there. And it was at Camp Dudley that I came across a Stephen King book called The Stand. The cover just had these ghastly creepy eyes peering out from some dark mountains. I started reading it, but man, it was a freakin' huge book, even in paperback form. It freaked the lovin' shit out of me though, I remember that. From that point onward I was a Stephen King fan. As I grew older I sought out all of his hardcover books, bought them, sometimes in second hand stores, until I had a huge collection. They were awesome.



And now this... thing, called Cell. What happened Steve? I mean, did that near death car accident you had, or whatever (that seems to come up in one form or another in a lot of your writing) affect you that much? Your writing used to be fearless man! I remember bawling my freakin' head off when you killed off Gage, dude! And getting pissed as all shit when Cujo savaged them, man! Oh my gawd, and when Nick Andros and Tom made their way across the barren landscape, and Tom died... holy crap. Granted, I was a little upset that... never mind. Anyway, with this book, Cell.



WTF?



Things started going downhill, I think, when you switched publishers. Yeah.



#1. The number one waste of summer time reading this year was More Like Not Running Away By Paul Shepherd. Published by Sarabande Books, 2005

Here's why. The book was beautifully written. I mean it's lyrical. I mean the paragraphs are moving, haunting (I think one critic described it) and it is. This is a haunting novel, for a bit. You get to feel for the protagonist, and you start to feel for his father too. I mean the father is one of the main driving forces of the novel. Half way through though, you start wondering... how much of this novel is true, based on the author's life? Because it starts to read like a real life story... meaning... nothing grand and dramatic happens. Just like in real life.



The gun, for crying out loud. The author brings out a gun in one chapter but no one ever uses it. It just kind of disappears. Very disappointing.



All in all, the book never went anywhere grand. It just kind of fizzled in the end, despite awesome writing.



Okay. Next I'll do a more upbeat list.



Peace. Seriously. Don't read these books. And don't see the movie Bongwater because it is just as terrible.